Memo: Joking Banned

By: Untactic, Al

The following memo was received today from an unnamed source within the Pentagon.

Distro: All Pentagon personnel

From: You Know Who (No, not him. Or him either.)

The military is serious business, and senior leaders feel that the troops don’t take the mission serious. But most of us (senior leaders) – mostly me (the most senior of senior leaders) – see it on the interwebs all the time. Well actually my aides see it and tell me. Places like the FaceBooks, Tweeter, Snapperchats, Readdit and other programs like that. We put out policies that are for the betterment of the troops and they make fun of the policies, and us.

The Aircore and the other branches put out regulations for the social medias and for the most part they have been pretty useless. When I travel to different bases I see all sorts of evidence of shenanigans. And this latest affront to human decency! Navy pilots making big male private parts in the sky! Come on! It wasn’t even anatomically accurate. What are we spending our money on at the Naval Academy? How did these guys even pass Human Anatomy 101? And it wasn’t even to scale. Nobody has a wee-wee that big. Well except for Antonio, my pool boy.

But I digress. Big ole schlongs in the sky! We have come to expect such behavior from Marines and Air Force Crew Chiefs. That and their little hand gestures – filthy, yet necessary heathens. What is it with the below-the-waist “Okay” and “shocking” disjoined three Fingers?

People are laughing and joking and poking fun at us and I won’t tolerate it anymore! All members will respect my authoritay!!! Surely that reference, everyone understands. And way too often they are making fun and we don’t even know it. I don’t know where they learned satire because we don’t teach it in Basic, or any of the advanced schools. Hell, even at the War College it is an elective.

So henceforth the only way to put a stop to all this disrespectful behavior is to ban humor completely. Yes, even the comics must be removed from all the service newspapers. New regulations will be published, and to make sure they are taken seriously: they will carry the penalty of death, for any violators.

Oh – on a lighter note: Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy your long holiday weekend.