Kim Orders Ancillary Training

By: Untactic, Al

Reports from Pyongyang today indicate that Kim Jung Un, The Great Leader, has ordered extensive changes to the training of North Korea’s military forces. Major General Wang Chung, Commander of Space, Cyberspace, Cyberweek, Air, Land, Sea, Overseas, and Underseas Training Command, confirmed the orders today in a news conference, where three reporters furiously scribbled notes using #2 lead pencils and Big Chief lined notepads.

“I am pleased today to announce that The Great Leader, beloved by all – and I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to die, we all really do love him – has issued glorious plans that will result in the defeat of the running capitalist dogs – namely America.”

A giant applause Sign Illuminated, commanding response from the Commander’s commands. An obvious necessity since his command was as believable as his previous comment of love. And so the General continued:

“He has decreed that our elite forces will be the best of the best and become undefeatable once everyone has been through the new training program. This training will battle-harden them to endure the most rigorous trials and give them war fighting skills like no other army on the face of the earth today. This regimen focuses on the very skills we need to crush any enemy and pulverize them into dust that will cling to the soles of our boots.”

(Applause Sign Illuminates)

“In his great wisdom he has invented all of the training and because of his great intelligence it requires no expenditure on procurement of equipment. It can be given anywhere and anytime using our specially qualified educational cadre who have spent months becoming certified in delivering these courses of education. Once all of our troops have been trained they will be unstoppable and no world army will be able to stand in our way.”

This time the applause sign illuminated not once, but twice. Perhaps due to a lack-luster response from the crowd. The statement, obviously meant to gather a larger call-to-arms.



“I will now outline a brief list of the courses, which as of now are mandatory and will require annual refreshers:
1. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Defense Travel System Use
2. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Government Travel Card Use
3. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Green Dot
4. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Bystander Awareness
5. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Human Trafficking Awareness
6. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Lautenberg Amendment
7. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Self Aid and Buddy Care
8. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Information Assurance
9. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Infosec Security
10. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Fire Extingusher Use
11. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Leadership (Correspondence)
12. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea CBRNE
13. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Supervisor Safety
14. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Corrosion Control
15. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Explosive Loaded Aircraft
16. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea No Fear Act
17. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Risk Management
18. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Gender Awareness
19. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea SAPR
20. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Community College of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea
21. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Reading List of the Great Leader
22. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Books 24/7
23. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Law of Armed Conflict
24. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea HIPAA and PII
25. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Don’t Call it a Chow Hal, it’s a DFAC
26. Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Nobody is a Nonner.”

Yet again, the light blasted bright-yellow, commanding letters, but this time no one executed.

“Yes the training is extensive, and in actuality it totals over 2,000 hours, but we know The Great Leader is a genius, and thusly we will reap great rewards from it; just like our last five rice harvests. I mean, how did he get to be The Great Leader if he isn’t smart and proven to know what’s best for us? You know, it’s not like there’s a system in place that protects people of a certain class in society who are idiots and still helps them advance to positions of authority right? Because he went to college and stuff and other people said he was smart and a good leader so that means he must be! So I will do exactly as he says without question, and I order that all of my subordinates do the same.”

(Applause Sign Illuminates)

In another possibly related note, at about the same time as this announcement was broadcast, U.S. Intelligence sensors recorded what sounded like a collective, disgruntled sigh of despair emanating from all military installations in North Korea. Analysts are actively trying to determine the reason for the event but remain baffled.